Here's the honest read after going through what you have so far.
What's working: Your Activities and academics already give a clear outline of how you spend your time. The personal essay is where this application will actually stand out — and the draft has a real voice, which is harder to fake than a list of titles.
Where the essay still needs work: Right now it leans on what happened (the robotics season, the outcomes) more than what changed in you. A few paragraphs still sound like an Activities blurb stretched into sentences — readers already get those facts elsewhere. The opening doesn't yet pull us into a specific moment, and the ending resolves a little too neatly without a lingering tension or question.